Okay guys sorry for the vanishing act. I actually just got back on my medication and rescheduled me leaving. He is threatening to press charges on me for assaulting him, and I am afraid but part of me doesn't care anymore. He shoved me, was screaming in my face, and then bam I am in a cop car being taken to a hotel for getting scared and trying to choke him. I have quite a bit of texts screenshotted on my phone of him saying off the wall abusive and outlandish things. So if it comes down to it, he intimated me into stopping/ not getting treatment and he has shoved me several times. Into walls, away from him, etc. He has threatened to kill me, throw me out windows.

I've never been a particularly violent person...but being screamed at...threatened...shoved....and untreated for a panic disorder is NOT a good combination.

This isn't the first time this happened. He's shoved me or threatened me several times, and I get scared and I have done that to him. He threw a bag of food at me and started screaming at me once over us talking about how many burgers in the bag. But that was okay, what I did wasn't. He's thrown water on me, broken TWO of my phones. He's intimidated me about taking my anti-anxiety pills which I know has a lot to do with the aggression in me from not being properly treated.

I woke up this morning to him screaming in my face insults, cursing at me, and he shoved me onto the bed screaming that I just want to get "f'CKed" because I posted something on facebook almost a year ago about him. He threw my old pills on the ground (which I thought he threw away), breaking the bottle and just saying "come on ***** take your pills".

Thankfully I ended up getting some of them and hiding them in my boot before we cleaned them up so the cats wouldn't eat them, and I took a xanax and started on my celexa again. I feel so much better, with a much clearer head. No obsessive thoughts and wondering, just know I have to leave. I am even finding work easier again. I use to have trouble looking over documents and i'd turn to google and google random things and not focus. I can for once in so many months actually keep my head straight again.
I have been making excuses for these obsessive outbursts for way too long. So what you posted something dumb on facebook a year ago? Does it give him the right to curse and scream in your face calling you a scumbag and stupid? No, it doesn't. The longer I stay and neglect being treated for an anxiety disorder the worse and worse it's going to get.

I am not excusing my behavior I did after he shoved me. It was wrong, I could have walked away. But I am putting myself in these situations that aren't safe with him.

I am not doing it when he is home, I am taking off and pretending to leave in the morning and turning around. A male friend is coming to watch me take my stuff.