Well I have a part that does not want to die but when that part takes over me it becomes an epic battle for survival and sometimes I feel I am going to lose that battle. That part gets the plans in place, even makes doctors appointments to get more drugs for the stockpile.

So when that part dissipated I discussed this with T and that part scares the hell out of me and is going to kill me. I said I do not want to die and I want to live my life and see where it goes and to please keep me safe.

He said to start I had to get rid of my stockpile but a panic rose up inside like a feeling of being trapped. I said I could not do that right now. Also communication between him and I but I said if I felt he was going to call the police on me and have me dragged inpatient I would never call him as I would rather be dead then go through that humiliation. Anyway hopefully it will not come to that.

He discussed that perhaps that part is a young part and as with children do not understand that dead means dead and there is no coming back and that perhaps it just wants to be relieved of the intense emotions to be shut down and not dead.