Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay
I would guess this triggers a really old feeling within you about being a burden or unimportant. These feelings are huge, I can tell they are overwhelming you right now.
From an outside perspective I can see why T has decided she isn't going to do work related things on her vacations any more. I can tell that it isn't about you, it's about her creating a boundary between her work and her personal life.
This triggers something huge in you. All these feelings about being a burden, not really being worth anything to someone, not even worth caring about.
This isn't about your T or her vacations, although that is the trigger that has tapped into the well of these worthless feelings. But these feelings are not "just" about T and her vacations. These feelings are about all the times you have felt you are a burden or unimportant or a nuisance or an inconvenience to other people throughout your whole life... when you were 3, when you were 4 and 6 and 10 and 15 and 23. All of the times.
Its just that they are all focused on the thing that triggered them up "now".
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Yes, I can see that. It's also about change and learning to cope with it. I don't cope with change well.
About my past: my parents neglected me, people abandoned me, others used me, and only a few people were there for me. I wrote a list once of everyone who has done me wrong. It was over 50 people. I know, I should have made a list of everyone who has done right by me. But for my isolated life, 50 is a lot.
Part of all of this, which is the part my T says I'm worrying about too early, is that I don't know how I'm going to survive week to 2 weeks vacations. This last time, because of how she set it up, I wasn't able to talk to her for 10 days. That was really hard for me. My T thinks it's better to have these reactions towards her than having a reaction to her not being able to contact me during a vacation. She's trying to make it seem like this is better for me. It's not.