I hate to admit this to myself but I’m still dissociating really bad. I have gone through two unsuccessful dissociation therapists and one really damaged me by abandoning me when I had an intense attachment. The one after that just plain didn’t help, I don’t know.

There’s no other therapists in my area that do dissociative disorders and none that really look trustworthy anyway and my trust has been worn extremely thin in the first place.

When I was abandoned by my first therapist it was only a number of weeks after some severe inner changes which to this day I still have not really made sense of. There is another part of me that blocks me from knowing anything about myself and genuine communication isnt feeling possible without outside help. Anyway after that everything just shut down. I have been feeling like I’m locked out of my own body and emotions. It is very stressful. I feel like I’m running on empty a lot of the time.

I hate to admit it but I really don’t know what to do and I really don’t feel like I have it together. Now I’m going through some significant life changes pretending that this dissociation is not a thing and I’m worried that I’m just going to make all the wrong choices anyway.

I just feel like I’m getting too old for this. My 20s will only last so much longer. I can’t afford to lose like another 10 years to dissociation. I need this time to count for something more. Yet I’m afraid I will end up trying to force it and get sent back to square one.

Argh, it sucks. It feels like I can never win, it’s like a game where the difficulty keeps suddenly increasing every time I think I’m getting used to it.

Sometimes I just break down and start crying out of nowhere. I feel so alone and it’s like there’s a wall between me and other people and also a wall between me and my own self I can’t express myself to people, it hurts