im underweight and want to lose more. i care now.
when i starve myself it seems so easy and my mind thinks "its just a matter of strong willpower".
when i binge its because my mind thinks "i'll eat this and this and this and etc. one more time and then i wont need to eat it anymore" but then i end up bingeing on whatever crosses my mind. as if i could "eat just one more time" and then i wont crave anything ever again. but it always happens…

when i starve myself i really feel like i could go on living forever without food.
when i binge i wonder how could i stay even only 1 hour without food.
when i care, i usually always manage to balance fasting and bingeing and still lose, but when i dont care i can allow myself to gain a lot of weight and the loop starts again. my mind gets caught in these loops that can last for months or more. fat - skinny - fat - skinny - fat - skinny… etc
the relief from this obsession lies only when i stop wanting food or when i stop caring about food and get fat. all in between is torture because of all these contrasting thoughts and feeling and urges….