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carcrashonrepeat · Jun 05, 2018, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

But what if it doesn't? What if I've already had the best I'm ever going to find? What if the universe says "no more. You've messed up everything and you should be all alone."
I'm really deserving of a lot of karma-slapping. I've been a terrible person and continue to eff it all up regularly. I'm having very calm thoughts of simply putting myself out like a light that's broken. I should be afraid of those thoughts, but I'm not. I'm ok with being at my end, or not being there. I exist to eventually die, as we all do.
I'm fighting the idea of staying sober right now by cooking food I really like. It's a dish that I enjoy but I don't think my ex ever did. She'll be over in about 4 hours.

I feel for you. I do. You're such a smart guy and guilt is eating you up alive.

The universe doesn't work like that. I'm sure you know this. God (or whatever you like to believe) gives us every opportunity to improve our lives. It takes incredible perseverance, but it can be achieved. You have to rise to the occasion.

Do you have a support group in your area? A place to go to? You really shouldn't carry this burden all on your own. That's no way to live. And I do believe you want to live. I think you want that more than you're willing to admit, but you don't think you deserve better.

Life isn't an exclamation point where we suddenly have it all. All of our lives our precious. We are all inclined to be terrible. I think everyone on this forum can agree that they've made bad choices, including me. It took me 16 years to figure it out, with plenty of calm thoughts of ending it all thrown in. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot do it alone. I need help. And I need to be okay with sitting in my emotions. Whether it's meditation or prayer, there's work to be done that can release you in ways that may help.

You sound extremely self-aware, and I wish you hold onto that because it can help you make the pivot you need. There will be the worst and the best of times, and you'll learn how to appreciate them in time. You're aware of what makes you feel unhappy, you just need to create new habits for yourself. Building these small habits, day by day, with healthy expectations can yield results like you wouldn't believe.

You're an adult and you make your own decisions (obvious, right?). But I implore you to cook that amazing dinner for you and spend the evening taking care of yourself. Find a group. Call a hotline. Surrender that burden and relieve yourself of the pressure you've placed on yourself. Leave this girl alone. Based on what you've said about her, this doesn't sound like a healthy meeting and could be just as detrimental for her if your heart isn't in the right place. Is that what you really want to do to her or the both of you?

I really hope you seek the peace you're looking for.