I'm not calling a hotline because I know they'll send someone to take me for an eval, which I'll fail. I don't want to die in a hospital, which I would make certain to happen.
I don't believe in any beings to blame or praise for our choices. I accept my bads, and the small amount of goods.
I really just want to get on my bicycle and disappear. The bills are paid. I don't have to be here or anywhere.
But I won't.
I'll stew in my head and mash the results into the garbage that I already know I am. I want to be able to make it all ok, but I know I can't. I've been listening to that Wilco song, "born to die alone" and it's accurate. I haven't even been crying. I'm becoming very matter of fact about it. I will die alone. I messaged the woman that all this started about to ask if she's ok and to say that I missed my friend