I just feel like I’m getting too old for this. My 20s will only last so much longer. I can’t afford to lose like another 10 years to dissociation. I need this time to count for something more. Yet I’m afraid I will end up trying to force it and get sent back to square one.

Argh, it sucks. It feels like I can never win, it’s like a game where the difficulty keeps suddenly increasing every time I think I’m getting used to it.

That’s a lot of undue pressure that you are pushing on yourself on things beyond your control.

I can hear the angst and stress in your writing because of this. Yes, it sucks. Yes, people sucks. At 50...acceptance has finally crept in doing this thing one day at a time.

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way....

There was a time when I wanted to be fixed so bad that I was stressed over how slow it was getting a T, then self sabotage, and anxiety believing the grass is greener on the other side and I’m fighting resistance that keeps me from getting there.

I’ve learned that I’m not in control of my life and all I can do is handle the moment in front of me...and hopefully it leads to a better moment closer to a goal...and if not...then it’s not meant to be. Thinking about any part of the future and wants literally makes me stomach sick.

Maybe you can say that I’m consigned to the fact of.... life is stressful enough and getting ulcers over it doesn’t help any. I’ve eventually came to the thinking that this is how my life was meant to be and the possibility is great that this is how it is to be to the end- but I haven’t given up on finding help...just not to stressed about it anymore because it led me to the bad place.

I really don’t know what to say but hang in there and hope that you find the help you need. Sorry.