You are NOT the worst person in the world. Be careful to hyperbolize your situation. You were hurt and careless and feeling lonely. You wanted to feel anything else so you made a decision you know was bad and ended up feeling even more depressed. Would I be accurate here? Do you see the difference? Being able to express what happened in clear, concise ways takes the pressure off of you to be anything other than a human being in need of help. It also provides you with context that can help you confront your emotions and thoughts directly.

This might be relevant: I saw my T yesterday. I was high off some recent good things that were happening in my life. Sobriety, a spiritual awakening, blah blah blah. But my T brought me right back down to earth. She knows that I have a proclivity to go soaring off on my highs, which often included a new relationship, which meant that if anything bad happened I would plummet and crash and burn. Things are different now, so I actually have a high chance of relapse (which technically already happened) being detrimental because something disappointing for me would be my undoing, and I can't predict what that would be. Of course, I feel like I'm fine and I don't need any more help but I'm aware that this is how I always feel and the outcome has always been the same: I get depressed and medicate with drugs.

So she urged me to find a 12-step group. And while I don't want to, it's something I have to take seriously because support is so crucial for us.

I honestly, truly think that you would benefit from find a support group or 12-step group where you live. There are so many different kinds that you can find a community that truly understands your pain. I've done it before while still getting high and I didn't appreciate it... so maybe I'm being a bit of a hypocrite. At that time I was going to groups mainly for depression and sex abuse but not to address substance abuse. But my hope is that because I'm really making an honest effort to be sober now, I just get my self through the door. Start talking. Take it one group at a time and find a sponsor.

Talk to your T and ask them to help you with this.