I feel carcrashrepeat is correct that you may be side stepping some issues here. We’ve given advice & I feel you’re not really stopping to look at it, but on a mission to self destruct.
I view people in “parts” from studying IFS & I feel you have a part that insists you have to self destruct, all the way, before this will stop. Now you’ve been down this road before & I think you know what that feels like.
But this part that wants to self destruct & make you suffer & cause punishment might just be a part that wants to be heard by your True Self. Can you give this part some real attention & ask what it wants?
It might want love, passion, to be ‘seen’, personal fulfillment & other things that you want in your life. It’s not getting that so it rages against you for not full-filling it’s need. If you talk to this part, see it, know why it’s angry & compromise with it, the rage might subside.

I also see a part of you here on this thread that is very intelligent & sees this all happening & does have some idea how to slow this all down. To look at this from the outside, objectively. But the rage & self destruction has a bigger voice right now & it’s a means to an end. But you’re letting it in your drivers seat.

I’m sorry if this is confusing. Maybe just a different way to look at things I thought might help. It’s hard for me to follow this thread watching you barreling towards self destruction & consciously know it’s coming. Maybe if you can somehow step outside yourself & look at all this from different perspectives it may help, although hard to do. And for me to watch it happen brings my own self protective parts forward that I can’t watch this happen & don’t wanto participate in it. So I build barriers. I won’t post on this again.

I hope you find some peace Sorry, I really do! I think you have much going for you now that you’ve moved on from a destructive marriage & are now free to create the life you wanto explore. Some only dream of that.

Sending you good energy from afar!