I have a hard time opening up, it's been taking me really long time to let my T in but it is slowly getting better. Some sessions can be intense which I consider good because I'm pushing myself out of comfort zone and revealing my thoughts and feelings which isn't easy or natural for me. And even if it comes with mixed feeling I am excited for myself that I'm finally able to do that. But then the next session goes different, and I'm starting to think its a pattern, since it has happened couple time before and now recently again, after I let myself feel some anger for my T, and even admitted to it. I have difficult time with anger, so that is a bid deal for me.

So the session after, I find myself disconnected and foggy or blocking him and it's like my defenses are up again. I can hardly maintain eye contact and it's like I'm almost rejecting the connection. I don't realize it in the moment, it's not until later when I look back at the session. We have talked about it once, and we figured that maybe it's because I feel closer to him after a tough session and then I get scared and pull away? He reassured me that it's ok and normal feel that way so I thought it will be ok now but here we go, I find myself doing that again. Does anyone know what I'm talking about or have any experience with it? Will I always stay behind the walls?

I want to talk about it again but I feel silly bringing it up again.