Made me smile silver, thanks.

I just got back from my doctors about a half of a hour ago. He told me that I have taught him much about what is beneath the disorder. He said he feels so helpless but will never give up. The sadness in his eyes when I spoke was heart breaking. I answered him honestly and the truth does hurt.

He said he would like to have another meeting. Only him, my t and me. He wants to do partial hospitalization and continuing attending sessions with my t. He realizes that I have been trying but its not enough. The treatment needs to more intensified.

We discussed the weight I have recently lost. And with the blood work the way it is this is no surprise. But we did not focus on just this today. He sat back, very close to me, and spoke so softly. His gentle nature totally made me feel so safe, his voice reassured me that we are going to win this war. He just wanted to talk today. I told him that I do resist as he is not a therapist. He said this is okay as he is understanding more and more and wants desperately to know whats going on inside. He closed my file, and welcomed discussion about what is troubling me so deeply. I know he feels my pain as every expression made tears hard to hide.

He had requested that I write down how I feel. I did this for him and he accepted it with open arms. He asked if he could read it when he is done at the clinic, then call me tonight. I said of course as I don't expect him to drop everything as he has a huge patient load. I told him that I know life does not revolve around me, and don't expect him to be my personal doctor to only focus efforts on me. He argued a little with this as he said that he has never wanted to quit on me. He will always be there and not to doubt myself that I am not worth his time. He said at this point he would do absolutely anything to help us through this. I thanked him and appologized. He said its okay, stop saying sorry for feeling let down right now. We need to intensify my treatment and he knows I have it in me to help them, help me.

So all this said and really not sure what to think. I mean I feel really confused inside. I am not sure what steps to take from here, as I feel so lost. But I do have this will inside which in the end will get me through this. I think this is just another hurdle to jump over, I will feel better in time. I did expect this to a degree. More and more of my thoughts, emotions, memories, feelings are hitting me hard. I think that with starting therapy, this is beginning to be released and it is over whelming. I will not give up cause if I do then I have given up on my kids and the ones that I love. No fricking way can we get rid of Justy that easily.

And I will come here and vent. I may sound really crappy at times. I will sound like all is lost: but this is part of the process. And its okay to allow myself these feelings as long as I don't lose sight of the goals at the end of this. I have to start to be more patient with myself as I have been working against myself. So time........is on my side.

Justy