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Originally Posted by golden_eve
(((Hugs))) and welcome to PC.
I have been in many abusive relationships that I had to leave. Do you have these threats in writing from your ex by chance? If so, save them and go to the authorities/police with them. You could get a restraining order placed on him because you are living in fear for your own life. I don't know how this works in Canada though, since I am in the U.S. I hope you can obtain a restraining order, first and foremost.
You most likely have some PTSD from the abuse you have endured..... do you have a regular therapist you can talk to besides the eating disorder therapist, or could you obtain one? An eating disorder therapist may/may not be able to effectively address abuse issues and PTSD issues.
I will tell you that if you can place a restraining order on your ex legally, you will feel far safer and better.
I can also tell you that the wounds from emotional & verbal abuse can take a long time to heal. What you need is to be around people who nurture you, support you and love you. Do you have close family members or close friends that can be supportive of you? Or, if not, perhaps you can join a support group for abuse victims? Do you have those where you live?
What you also need is good self-care and self-love through the healing process...... to constantly tell yourself that you are none of the things you have been accused of, that you deserve nothing but love, respect and kindness at all times..... that this was abuse and you didn't deserve any of it. Period..... keep telling yourself these things, and do take good care of yourself by tending to your daily needs...... exercise helps too!
And also establish a NO CONTACT rule with the abusive ex. This is very very important for your recovery and healing.
I feel for you. I really do. I know what it's like, unfortunately. But you CAN heal, it just takes time and patience.
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Thank-you for your response and I'm sorry you have had similar experiences. I have actually thought about getting a restraining order on him, but two of the times he threatened me, it was for his friends to hurt me so I feel like I'll still be afraid. Do you think it's still worth it? I do have screenshots of him saying people know where I live and want to hurt me, as well as him saying he wants to shoot me.
I just want to forget my memories with him. In the day I'm usually okay, but often at night I get panic attacks when I start thinking about memories. My parents are very supportive, but they don't really know how to help me in the situation of a panic attack except for giving me water and telling me it'll be okay which doesn't always work. I have also connected with an ex from 2 years ago who has been extremely nice to me (we broke up on good terms). However, I don't tell him about my ex because he doesn't know about my mental health history and I don't want him to think I'm unstable.
The therapist I talk to said that I could consider a therapist for abuse victims but I don't know if it will be worth it and I don't want my parents to spend extra money for something that may never make me feel safe. I have blocked him on every form of social media and text, as well as his friends and anyone that is connected to him.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I am trying to distract myself with other activities and good people so hopefully I'll be able to put this person behind me.