I can empathize with how you’re feeling right now, right down to side stepping issues and finding a way out of the solutions people try to give. I was so effing empty a few months ago I thought I was going to be like a black hole and like, implode on myself. I thought I was garbage, too. Your convo with carcrashonrepeat reminds me of an argument I had with my best friend of 17 years who, after I’d come to her for the umpteenth time, started talking to me from a perspective of faith. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t react well. She and I met at church but I am no longer a person of faith. However, it was a pretty bad point in time to ask me to trust that there was someone looking out for me. We’ve had this argument before, and this time it resulted in the fracture of our friendship.

Anyway. The point is that this acutely horribleness gets better, and I know you know this. I would very strongly urge you to have no contact with your most recent ex. I hope you don’t take that offensively, or say that my situation isn’t like yours (I’m aware it’s not), but it only serves to prolong grief and pain. I didn’t do so well at that, but fortunately since I left him and he was pretty pissed that I discovered the things I did, he did the blocking and etc for me. *shrug* Otherwise, I’d probably have had a hard time doing that on my own.

Hope you’re doing well today.