today is the day that my mom died. I am up early to get my daughter to school and then I don't know what I will do.

I feel totally numb this morning. I don't even feel real. It feels like I am watching a horror movie that will end soon .

I think about all the times that I was not there when she wanted me to be and all the fights we had when I was my daughter's age. I want my mom to be here to talk to and to hold me when I cry. It is never safe to cry anymore.Not even today.

I know that she is better now. The pain is gone and she is happy so I guess the way that I feel is just selfish.I haven't kept promise I made to her as she was dying. Promised to leave my husband and to go back to school.
She knew how much he hurts me and she knew I would need job skills. Now I am too physically unable to even walk lots of days so I am not so sure how I can do either.

I am sorry mama. I have been bad again. I love you and I wish you were here for me to hug