Hi, I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now... it is hard. Sexual abuse changes who you are... I was raped when I was 9 and molested many times before and after. It changed me. Most of those changes were to protect myself—and that worked great during childhood, but was a hindrance in adulthood…

Your thoughts after it happened are completely normal. I too had them! Only, I blamed me. He told me my mother was sick and I went with him to his apartment. How could I be so stupid? How could I let that happen to me??? Now, I know that as a child I had no responsibility in what happened to me. Neither did you. I too thought: How could this have happened? Why did he do this to me? It happened because a predator saw an innocent child and preyed on her. He did it because he is twisted and sick. NONE of it is your fault.

I understand developing trust and social anxiety issues. This is where therapy would come in handy. It did wonders for me.

I also understand the wanting sexual gratification. For me, I wanted skin. I wanted someone to touch me—who wasn’t angry at me.

Because you have closed off, and perhaps somewhat isolated yourself—you crave touch. Intimacy. And according to your childhood sex is intimacy… it isn’t really, but how could a child know that? And how could you without help for getting out of the walled-up fortress you’ve constructed to keep you safe. But in adulthood, it also keeps you lonely.

I strongly urge you to find a therapist to help you unravel how you are feeling. I hope you aren’t calling yourself bad names in your head. You aren’t bad, you just have an issue from childhood causing you grief today.

Most of all—be kind to you. Be your own best friend. My best wishes go to you.