It is a constant struggle to be open or even attempt to be open for me and if I open up too far, it's like I panic and retreat. I pull everything back behind the castle walls, pull up the drawbridge, and set archers along the perimeter. As I go along and as I open up more and learn to trust my T more, it becomes easier. There are still days where I am on high alert but they are not as frequent. It takes time though. You developed these defenses out of necessity and over a lot of years, your T understands that and understands that it's not an overnight process. I would almost guarantee that you are not the first or last client with the same issue. It's ok to bring it up and talk about it as much as you need to. 2 years with my T and I still bring it up occasionally. It's what they're there for.