Thanks guilloche for posting this article. Which describes some of my past (failed) therapy experiences almost down to a T.

I have a very high functioning, highly competent outside persona. And inside there's some shrivelled emotional core that I cannot really get in touch with myself. Whenever there's some contact with this core being (which quite often feels to me as if it isn't there at all) it feels like a short circuit, and it's almost unbearable.

Since I'm so out of touch with this innermost area of myself it doesn't surprise me that Ts find it difficult if not impossible to connect with this side of me. It took me years of therapy to find out that this is actually happening, to find images to explain to my T what is going on on the inside when I'm 'not there'. To me, the metaphor of "only half the patient" being there in the room really hits the nail on the head. This is what it feels like for me, and this is what my current T quite often reports back to me what it feels like for her.

I've only been with my current T for about six months so far. After a major rupture with my last T (which followed the pattern described in the article) I made sure to inform this new T right from the start that there's more to me than my highly competent facade. That we need to work together to get behind the scenes, that this is as much terra incognita for me as it is for her, since I cannot hold the connection to myself for very long... I outright asked her whether she was up for this adventure? Whether she could relate at all to what I'm telling her.

I was lucky as she had picked up the highly contradictory information between my outside and deepest inside already by herself. And she stated herself, that she would find it "terribly" easy and comfortable to just bond with the competent outside persona. Since she (the outside persona) is so agreeable and draws people in in a big way. So we keep having meta-talks about our mutual perception/s of what is happening in the room or not, I keep telling her when I find that she is focusing too much on the outside, at the same time we have to keep some balance since having a process that is totally deficit-orientated would be devastating in itself.

So basically, with this current T I'm (cautiously) hopeful that things might turn out more satisfactory in the end. That we don't end up entangled and enmeshed and full of mutual resentment and criticism. But then, with the last Ts before that I was hopeful as well at the beginning... But somehow, this article really helped me to see what might be happening on the Ts side... And this is not so much about just focusing on the T, but to be aware of potential dangers in this joint expedition.