Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll
feileacan, if you don't mind me asking: How does/did your therapist go about 'going beyond' the obvious on the outside?
I'm asking because for me (and my therapists) all attempts to get behind the upfront persona are incredibly painful and frustrating. I cannot get hold of myself in there, it's not that I don't want to talk about it, I simply cannot get in touch most of the time, and if I do, it's extremely unpleasant.
For me it feels as if this core inside is surrounded by some incredibly strong magnetic force, which results in repulsing all things trying to get closer beyond a certain stage. It results in both me and T being catapulted through the air and experiencing some hard landing, again and again.
I don't know what it takes to get through this. Current T says: Accepting where we're at. Time. Patience. And very gradually easing our way forward. Me trying to hold the connection despite all the unpleasantness that surrounds this. Her offering support while I'm trying to hold the connection. Maybe my innermost core realising with time that there's no reason any longer for those incredibly strong self-defences? Dunno. Any insight would be deeply appreciated. Thx.
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Maybe what I wrote was ambiguous and you misunderstood me a bit? I did not mean that my T has found a great way of helping me heal quickly (because I don't think it's even possible). Rather I meant that we don't really fight that much anymore. And when we do then it is me fighting with him and him not coming along anymore and instead really trying to understand what am I fighting for at the current moment.
Also, a big part of it is something I just wrote today in another thread that he has relaxed the requirement for me to fill the space because either I can't do it or I do it in a superficial way. Rather, he let's me be and is willing to create the room or space himself and is willing to wait if I am able to make a use of this room (even if just a tiny bit).
Also, he allows me to be ugly and bad. Sure, he doesn't allow me to attack himself physically but he has endured the extremely angry parts of me and survived them without taking it personally.
Also, he has become quite good understanding when I'm presenting the intellectual half-me and not going along with it at the same time not insisting that I have to somehow magically bring the other part into the room.
Also, it doesn't mean that the process still isn't frustrating. It is, sometimes extremely so. But I feel that slowly, very slowly I get a sense what we are really trying to do there. And occasionally I also sense some continuity in our interactions and relationship.
I don't truly know if I can ever heal from my main issues (which are very similar to those described in that paper) but I can definitely say that our relationship is not artificial and I have gained a lot from it.