Putting a trigger warning (SH and SUI) up here since I think it's silly to put half the post in a trigger box.

Normally T will ask about my week first. This time he asked me what had happened to my leg since there was a large bruise there. I said I bit myself when I couldn't calm down after fighting with my partner. T wanted to know more about the fight, or rather how I fight. Whether I insult people, scream, damage everything around me... I said I'm more of a calm person, I just say mean things and argue even if I know there's no point or that I am wrong. He also asked what I was thinking about it, that it happened. I think I'm doing much better now than I have been doing a while ago. Had to clarify that better means I'm doing it less. It's kind of just one slip up on the way of getting better I think. T made sure to stress that biting is one of the worst things to do due to infection risk.

Then we talked about why I actually got so stressed out by the fighting. It was pretty easy to figure out (due to the content of the fight) that it had to do with feeling like nobody wants to spend time with me and that I'm being abandoned by everyone. Which is the same thing as always, really.

We went on to talk about how I'm drinking more again, and smoking weed constantly. And that I'm thinking of suicide more again. He wanted to know what I meant by 'more' (it's a pretty constant thing with me that I think of this). I said I had read up on some things. There was a study a while back on people jumping from bridges, like which bridges in the country they go to most often, at what time of day they jump most often and so on. T wanted to know whether there's any in our vicinity. We both laughed about the fact that there's a ranking of most popular bridges to jump from. I also told him I had put a rope around my neck a few weeks back to 'see how it feels'. I think he was a bit worried by that. He told me again that I can call him whenever I have such thoughts. He asked whether I think that I'd just do it impulsively if it happened, or whether I'd plan it. I said there's no way I'd do it without planning, since there's things I'd want to do before dying. Most importantly I would like to talk to him one last time.

At this point I got a bit sad, and we talked about the importance of actually feeling the emotions instead of just reacting to them and getting engulfed in them. T assumes that I couldn't process my feelings properly when I was traumatized and it made me get kind of 'stuck' in this way of feeling - experiencing everything very intensely, and not really feeling things at all anymore. And that safety can come from the fact that one can feel the emotions instead of 'being' the emotion.
After that we practiced looking at each other a bit, which was nice. It felt much more comforting than a few weeks ago when we last did this.