I'm 23, but I feel like my mannerisms and demeanor and sense of humor and whatnot are very childlike. And of course I feel very "emotionally young" in that my emotion regulation is... poor. Still working on that. But anyway, this post is more about how I present myself to others not in regards to my emotions.

I make light of talking about my emotions, I joke about things that shouldn't be joked about, I use a childlike tone of voice, I tend to want to talk about only my problems and be the receiver of help instead of listening to others' problems and offer them help (like a child depends on their mother, not the other way around), etc. I know this could probably be because my emotional/social/cognitive development was "stunted" so to speak as I was growing up. So now here I am at age 23, but maturity-wise maybe 12-16.

I should note that I'm only talking about certain social situations, such as in therapy, in group therapy, around my "mental health friends," and things like that... people I'm comfortable with. I can collect myself enough in certain situations such as talking with a professor or my Pilates instructor for example. I can control my demeanor at work and school to an extent. But it's hard and feels unnatural and "cold" and I feel like I'm acting. A lot of this probably has to do with that identity criterion for BPD too. But I'm starting to feel like the childlike demeanor is closer to the "true me," and I don't want it to be like that. Well on one hand maybe I do because I can enjoy myself more in those situations and get certain attention (being cared for and comforted like a child) that I like, but on the other hand sometimes I want those same people to regard me as a mature adult. For example, I go to a DBT group and two of the therapists/leaders I am fairly attached to and I also display the more childish persona in group I front of them. But I sometimes try to suppress that and present myself as a mature adult (not necessarily without a sense of humor or anything, but just not childlike) because I want to be respected in that way. I look back on some of the things I've said or done or written on my DBT diary card and am embarrassed by how childish they seem. So I'm torn. Do I maintain the role of the child and enjoy the attention that can (sometimes) come with that, or do I work on acting more my age? I feel like I have to be more mature to really succeed in "adult" life, as in having a career, going to grad school, and maybe even being a therapist in some capacity. I'm a psych major and interested in *maybe* going into a clinical psychology field, *maybe* being a therapist, but I feel so unfit. Like, a child cannot conduct therapy. I would feel like an imposter. I feel like the people who have treated my mental health problems, even though they've seen me overcome things, would think it would be ridiculous for me to think that I could be a good therapist. So I don't tell them that's something I'm considering. Because I feel ashamed of it.

So what do you guys think? Can you relate? Did you ever "grow out of it" or "grow up?" Staying in this childlike persona feels "safe" to me, but I also want to move on and be regarded as a mature adult. But I don't know how to do that. Help?