yeah tulips.. major avoidance on my part i think. i dunno.. i have resisted efforts to "plan" because.. well.. i don't *know* but i think it's because i dont want to set myself up to fail.. because i believe i will do and be certain things.. to plan for something different than what i believe is setting me up.. and before anyone says it, yeah i really do know that the belief needs to change. Boy, does it.. but i don't have time for that at this point.. and beliefs dont change easy or quickly.

i am thinking that for some of this i am going to hide internally, just do automatically what i know works to get through.. and for some i am going to pretend... i am going to pretend i am someone who believes differently than i do. Weird, but it sounds like some kind of plan right? Pretend i am strong?

i know T cant make it better.. i do, even when i want him to.. but what i want is to not be pushed right now.. i need him to give positive, reinforcing statements... enphasize the things i am getting right.. tell me in direct and simple statements the things i need to hang onto.. "i will be there" "you can do this" "it isn't wrong to feel the way you do" and so on.. things i want to believe but cant quite get there.. things i am aiming for but somehow lose sight of. i need an anchor.

thanks guys for being here.. i deeply love this place and you guys.