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Ssigros · Jun 08, 2018, 07:09 PM

Do you ever have one thing happen that makes it feel like your whole life is falling apart?? Or is that simply how anxiety..(or severe stress?)...feels as a whole??

"It's really hard to dream when you're trying to survive."
I heard someone say that on TV and it makes perfect sense. I have the support and family and loved ones, but as a now adult in my late 20's all I'm trying to do is stand on my own two feet. I have a high school diploma...and I'm only now truly serious about turning that into a college degree. I tried college right after high school..like your suppose to do, apparently..only to accumulate $10,000 in school loan debt and a failed few attempts with few credits to show. I thought I was truly lazy, because when I apply myself at things I do really good..at least that's what I've heard from my parents and teachers since I was younger. Now that I'm older and able to look back on all my failures I'm trying to find that missing link. Whether it's my learning disability ADHD that I've dealt with from elementary to high school to my anxiety/fear of the future and succeeding to my ptsd/eating disorder. Or maybe an accumulation of all.
Hey, at least I have a few credits though, right?!

I have a full time 3rd shift job that helps pay bills (like student loan debt that I'm trying to pay down), I live in an apartment above a garage (it's cozy and perfect for me) that I only pay the light bill on since it's owned by family on their property, and a car that sorta works. I decided to work 3rd shift because it pays more money and I can also have my days for school when I start in the fall. I have worked this job going on 2 years now and I only see it as what it is, a job. Something I do, yes on some level to learn from, but more so as a stepping stone. Something that I don't want to be doing for the rest of my working life. I want something that I actually don't mind getting up to go do for the better part of my week. Something that I can live comfortably doing, not feel like I'm only working to survive (i.e. pay the bills), and that I can actually have a life while doing. A career.

I'm now faced with car troubles. My car is a 2002 vw. It's overheated in this now hot *** weather and hard to accelerate. Had to pull over, get tow service...thankfully have roadside assistance with insurance...and the auto repair shop I go to is beyond helpful. They came and got me and took me home. I won't know til Monday what is wrong with my car, but I'm so afraid it's something major like a blown head gasket or something equally expensive. And I don't have the money for repairs at all. My car is to the point that the repairs are more than the car is worth. I would love to get a new (used) car, but if I have no money for repairs than I have no money for another car. I try to save money, but there is no room for any extra savings account for car repairs or anything equally that is needed for everyone to do. I need to keep this car until I have a degree or money in the bank to afford another vehicle. That's my goal/plan, anyways.

If you're still with me, I said all of this to say I just feel hopelessly stuck. I put almost $300 into a class I'm taking this fall that will last only a few months that will get me the certificate that will help me land a prn job that will pay me a little more than my other job and in turn allow me to learn even more in the field I want to get a degree in. Plus they may also help pay for my continued schooling. With me possibly needing costly car repairs though I don't know what to do. I will have to rely on borrowing a car from family, if they feel comfortable doing so, to not only go to work, but also go back and forth to school that is about 30 minutes away 4 times a week in the evening. This is if I have to pay my car repair bill in payments and they keep my car til paid in full. Which I understand. I just feel like I'm in a corner that's continually sinking deeper into a hole. All I want is to not be a burden to anyone anymore. To be a functioning member of society. To be able to make my parents, that I love more than anything, proud. To show them that I did it so that one day I can take care of them as their only child. To have a family...one day a baby of my own. I just want to be able to give more than I need to take. I can't stand asking for this, to borrow that, to have to rely/go to other's for help. To have to need for something that I should be able to take care of and give myself at this point in my life. I'm simply embarrassed and ashamed of my life. My problems probably aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life, but it just feels like the walls are closing in around me drowning and I only want to keep my head above the water til this storm passes and not give out and give up.

Thanks for reading if you made it through all the ramblings in my head. I truly appreciate it.