Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
I *do* think it's cool though that she's the first one who's been willing to really talk about the "something weird going on" (and she can see the pattern too, when I tell her about my past therapists).
She said that there are points in our interaction where she feels awkward. Off. Not herself. And she's not sure why, or what to do about it. I'm not sure who's introducing the awkwardness (i.e. if she's reacting to me being "half present", or if I'm reacting to her being awkward?). Anyway, I guess it's good that we're talking about it..
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Maybe that's a starting point?
That's where I'm at with current T, she gives me some very honest feedback about her perceptions/feelings in the process. Which I find very helpful. She says, that in certain moments, she cannot get a connection to me. It's as if I'm not there. And I know what she means and which moments she describes. Last session I told her that she is the first T (of my many Ts) who's speaking to me about this. I'm sure the others must have noticed. But they made their assumptions, or blocked it out, and concentrated on my highly functioning part, which is much easier anyway. So speaking about it, her telling me what it feels like for her and me telling her vice versa helps us both, to gain a mutual understanding of what is happening in those moments. Maybe to develop ideas together how to get closer to this "shrivelled" core of mine. How to nuture this core that is so fearful that it mustn't be the focus of attention or otherwise it will implode...
As I experience this at the moment, it's very straining and exhausting. Both for me and for my T. And in a way, I can relate to why Ts would rather connect with the functioning part of mine. Because it is more present, more tangible, and much easier to relate to.
Also, I keep talking to current T about the last therapy experiences. Not for bashing those Ts but because those experiences have been so highly confusing for me. This article helped a lot - to understand some of the frustrations those Ts might have experienced. At the same time, current T says, that those moments when I'm only half there, that this is so obvious, that she herself is wondering why a T wouldn't register this and bring this up - eventually...
With regard to feeling cared about and feeling safe: Maybe it would help to talk about what you need in this regard? This might not necessarily mean that your current T will concur. But it might help you to get to the core of those feelings and needs, and why you 'never' feel 'safe enough'. And would T acting and behaving differently would really result in a 'safe enough' feeling? I think this would very much be worth exploring, and I would hope that your T might be up for it as well.
All the best,
c_r