We do not know because it's not scientifically possible to deduce that. It's like, "how do you know without knowing?" Or how can an experiment's conclusions can be driven without doing the experiment. Nature has its beauty, what we call life (which is the most beautiful thing I have personally seen, felt, and experienced as well.) It has its thorns (people who wrong other people to put it simply.) as well as traps (disease -- as WHO puts it -- to be specific.)

I was always fascinated by life. But never liked biology. Too much "soft" for me. I don't know how to do math. Couldn't do physics. But liked it. Though didn't. Was forced to like it by myself. Now stuck with more materialistic chemistry, don't enjoy it as much as anthropology, but who in the hell respects an anthropologist? I don't want to end up in a Nazi camp as one of its torturous doctor. Not a joke but fact. I am not cruel enough to joke on things like that.

Anthropology is too soft for me. I am not good at memorizing. Might suffer from amnesia. I sound like a doctor writing psychological evaluations. I wanted to be. Could not. Health. I am not good at math either. So cannot be an astrophysicist. Who respects an astrophysicist? A lot of people do, almost everyone. Gets satisfied.

Being a psychiatrist isn't respected enough. Must be respected enough. A surgeon, perfect. Couldn't save everyone's life. Wouldn't undergo the knife myself. Why am I dwelling in the past? Does it make sense? Am I regretting something?

Cold, calculating machine. That's what I have become.

Wanted to own a Royal Enfield. "We don't have money for that."
Wanted to be in a respected college. "We don't have money for that."
Wanted to style my hair. "It's not traditional."
Wanted to go back and do a diploma in Computer Engineering. "It's not traditional."
Wanted to visit psychiatrist as a child to get early treatment. "They ask for too much money."
Wanted to legally own games. "Too much money."

It's not that my parents made me crazy either. It's just how the world is. Nature is beautiful, sometimes scarier than what Lovecraft could imagine in his terrific mind (if you get it.) A butterfly can cause a hurricane. A single mistake and I would be shot dead by God knows who.


The most horrible of all is the earth itself I guess. With all the geological disasters out there (I sometimes imagine a fire cyclone) and all of the possible ways to die there (not saying death is bad, or scary itself) there's no time to pick beautiful flowers, as children do.

Mental illness can be terrifying. Anything can be, if you view it that way.

I wanted to be a psychiatrist, why didn't I? I didn't have the right mind to do so.