Recently I had an 8-week course of distress tolerance therapy. It turned out to spectacularly badly timed as, during the course my Grandmother and Dad were both diagnosed with cancer and both died.
Nonetheless I went along to every session, did what I was asked to do between sessions and worked really hard


Towards the end I had an assessment by my psychologists supervisor. This lasted 30 minutes and I don't remember much as it was only a couple of days after my Dad died. At the end she said I wouldn't be offered any more therapy. She said because I had a lot going on and she didn't think I would cope well with being asked to do more work.

Since then I have been feeling rubbish - like it was my fault for being bad at therapy, like I don't deserve to be helped or like I am being punished for my Dad dying.

Then, this week I found out from my doc that the real reason was that the woman who did my assessment was concerned that I have an emotionally unstable personality disorder. Pdoc disagrees and assessed me again and is going to talk to the psychology people as she thinks I need more therapy.

I am just feeling really ambivalent about going back. I don't know how many people knew about the 'diagnosis' and lied to me. I really struggled in therapy but I was painfully honest with my therapist even about things I am deeply ashamed of and to think that she may not have been honest in return really hurts.

Plus I have been walking round for weeks thinking that it is all my fault and that I don't deserve help...