Background for yesterday's session to make sense:
Last week we did my first EMDR processing. It was a very emotionally charged session. Escalated at the end, he kept me an extra 10-15 minutes to try to get me grounded.

Came in and he asked how I was doing. I said I was anxious and couldn't figure out why.
"Can I do a little test?"
"Sure."
"We don't have to do any processing today if you don't want to. How do you feel now?"

It helped a little bit. We talked about why I'd escalated at the end of the session last week. Was it related to the processing or something else? I said it was something else. Processing generally went well. A friend of mine commented on how a typical behavior of mine looked different on Monday that is related to the trauma processed on Friday. T asked if I told her about processing, and I said only after she'd made the unsolicited comment.

T asked if I was still anxious, and I was. He commented that like last session, I was tolerating my uncomfortable emotions like a badass. He said it seemed like I was getting more comfortable expressing the emotions with him. I agreed and told him about a dream related to feeling comfortable in the therapeutic space. He said the dream was interesting, but not much else.

He said if we weren't going to process that he'd like to comment on some observations he'd made in our work together thus far (4 months, wow). The first was that he's been impressed with my work and dedication to the process. He asked if I felt like I'm tolerating the anxiety and pain better. I said maybe? He called back to state testing last month and how I'd expressed a lot of anxiety at that time, but I didn't present that way.

I sighed and said I wasn't surprised. That happens in my life a lot. Everyone always thinks I'm better than I feel. T commented that I'm adept at stuffing down the emotions. I agreed, and added that it wasn't incongruent or deceptive, but if I expressed everything I feel, then I wouldn't be able to function.

"Was that what was going on last month?" I nodded. "Then I'm sorry I couldn't see your pain, Daisy."
"It doesn't matter. No one ever does."
"It matters to me."

At this point I was curled up with one of the couch pillows and began to cry. We sat silently for a while. Eventually, T asked if the amount of emotion I was expressing was congruent with what I was feeling internally. No, it wasn't. "I wonder what it would feel like if you could fully take the lid off the emotions." I said I wasn't sure if I'd be able to. I tried. I guess I got close to being able to cry my pain.

I got to the point that I didn't feel comfortable anymore, so I self soothed to stop crying. T asked if what I felt then was similar to what I felt at the end of the last session. I thought he was talking about me escalating, so I said no. He said he wasn't sure we were in sync.

"I've noticed when we're scheduling and paying that you're kind of...flat isn't right, because it's not affectual. Guarded, perhaps? Disconnected?"
"Well yeah, because we're done. I'm leaving."
"And?"
"In here I'm honest and vulnerable and emotional. I can't do this out there."
"You know what the next question is. Why not?"
"Because this is when I get hurt. If I were emotional and vulnerable the world would eat me alive."

As soon as I said it, I realized the gravity of what I said. "Wow."
"Yeah, wow."

I started to cry again. T said that certainly he wasn't the only person I could be vulnerable with. I said of course not. We discussed the black and white thinking that train of thought exhibited. I looked at the time and there were only a few minutes left. I said I was done. I didn't want to tap into anything else. He helped me ground, paid, scheduled, and left.

I disconnected when I walked out the door.