I started therapy 4 months ago, and the current diagnosis is some dissociation issue. But I am not sure how much I believe it because I am unsure what exactly I am experiencing. My therapist said I have some traits with DID but I disbelieve that even more. Dissociation for me is watching everyone and everything get smaller and trying my hardest to stop it without any success. I don't know anything else about my dissociation beyond it starts with talking about my sexual abuse and getting scared of it. But that's not dissociation, is it? Then the next part is what proceeds after my supposed dissociation. My mental fortitude increases to a ridiculous extent. To the point where nothing can faze me and I fear no one. I become cruel, remorseless, and downright psychopathic. I always have this evil voice in my head telling me how I will fail and how the people I meet are the same as my abusers. But when I've dissociated the voice is no longer in my head, it starts to manifest in my body. Then I become cruel, and use people for humor and become a sadistic piece of ****. Making everything a joke with unrelenting determination. If I escape this cycle long enough I can get to a sort of space mode with my mature voice, it's like some old man lectures me out of my **** when I get back to being normal. Or if I screw up really bad the voice of the old man steps in to fix things. But I don't experience blackouts and I am not sure I even dissociate, so what in the world is this? I know I can be such a different person at times it's disturbed the people in my life before.