Well thats what i dont understand. Its not about sexual arousal or gratification of any kind. It feels exactly like it did when I was little and acted on my first impulse with the dog. I had this overwhelming urge to press my dogs mouth to my privates. I was clothed. It started out as an anxious thought. Then it rose into an incredible anxious urge. Then I acted and it was horrible. The feeling of hate I had for myself. It was in no way for sexual gratification though. Nothing happened down there. Its the same now. These anxious thoughts come. I then have anxious impulses but I dont act. They go away then come back later. Usually because of some trigger. I dont get off on any of this.

It just never went away but I learned not to act becausee it made me feel bad and I didnt want to hurt people. My impulses kinda of got a little worse by the time I was 11 because I had a sexual encounter with my cousin one year younger. Her idea not mine. Then i acted it out on my much younger sister but it was never about anything sexual gratification wise. I dont ever remember a time I dodnt have these impulses and bad thoughts. Except when I was 14 I was very happy and none of this was going on. When I had my daughter at 27. ***** hit the fan. The impulses where the worst. What I dont get is I dont remember any sexual abuse from adults so I dont really understand why my sexual encounters with peers affected me so much.