As it says in title, I don’t know who I am anymore. I guess I want help maybe identifying solutions, I know self diagnostics aren’t the best but they may be appreciated, but I would like to point out that I’m still a high schooler so I can’t go scheduling my own appointments or stuff like that.

I guess I should start off blunt by saying I don’t think I’m the right person. In general, I know that I’m rotten and like to be mean to others. But I don’t feel like I’m in the right body. I’m distant with all of my emotions and I don’t feel like I feel like other people do. People my age are already talking about love and have gone through heartbreak, meanwhile I don’t feel like I can even trust my closest (few) friends. Not only that but I just don’t feel like it’s my body to begin with. I guess it’s just struggling with my sexual identity and pressure of everyone surrounding me to be who I was born as.

Another thing that should be troubling me, but isn’t, is my behaviors. Around my dad and sister, I act fairly pliant and subdued. In general, I keep to myself at all times. When I’m around my mom or just hear her, I start to get angry. I can’t recall her doing anything mean to me, so I don’t have the best idea of why I hate her so much except I just don’t like her as a person. Her voice irritates me beyond measures and her ability to be dull sometimes grates my nerves. Even writing this, I should feel bad because she’s my mother but I don’t. Her health problems make me angry even though I tell myself I don’t care. I hate how she pities me and acts like she wants to be friendly with me like she is with my sister.

My behaviors are also reflecting and coming out to bite my friends. I have a friend who I talk to online and I’ve been abusing his respect for me by shutting him down when he tries to help me and outright threatening to cut communications with him. I don’t know how I feel about cutting him off like that. I know I should feel bad but at the same time I don’t feel anything. It’s not like he deserves it and I know he doesn’t but part of me is telling myself that he does.

And I guess lately I’m starting up self destructive behaviors again. I used to cut at my elbow two years back but stopped after nearly being caught. During school, I get so frustrated I break my pencils and beat my fist on the desk. Now that it’s summer, my sister just got a puppy and is in the works of training it. Because it’s still a puppy, it likes to bite. My family is trying to encourage it not to bite but I let it bite and try to get it to bite my ear enough to make it bleed or do some sort of physical damage. Even though I let the puppy do that, I also get angry and take my frustration out on myself by punching or digging my fingers into my hips.

I’ve been losing interests in things, too. I’ve had no desire to draw for nearly a year now and lately video games, which I use as a sanctuary, are blah. All I’ve been doing, now that it’s summer, is sit around in my room and listen to music. I’ve been struggling with feeling like nothing even during school, where I waded through my classes in a tired and stressful haze. I don’t even feel like I have a future, just that death is the best option so I don’t have to deal with anything anymore. It’s just tiring nowadays to see my peers confident and ready for the future when I feel like I’m forcing myself to come up with something.

I also don’t have many friends left. I got into an argument with a friend last year and now she treats me like a don’t exist. One of my longest friends got himself a girlfriend so he spends his time with her. What feels like my final friend has friends she would rather hang out with than me so I’m on the sidelines watching everyone I care about live. Meanwhile my ex-friend (I guess I should put it as) makes me angry just by speaking and another guy who thinks he’s better than everyone does the same and I get so angry when I think or come in contact with either of them so I have to hurt myself to calm down.

I don’t even feel safe in environments that I may have once and no one cares or respects that. I no longer like going to pro baseball games or big events/areas like that because I think of what the other people there could do to me. I get nervous just being in a car in a city. I don’t even want to leave my house sometimes to go hang out with my friends when I was just looking forward to it the other day. My family, especially my mom, doesn’t seem to respect that I get nervous in busy places and that just in general I don’t have the energy to enjoy going out.

Something I should mention is that I went to my family doctor last year and he said I have depression and should see a counselor, which I have not. The only sort of treatment he prescribed is taking vitamins, which I have not because l don’t think they’ll work (and because partially I feel that I don’t want to get better).

I guess I should wrap up. Like I said, I’m not looking to be diagnosed but I would appreciate maybe some form of advice I guess? I’m just quickly posting this before I lose my momentum.