Almost daily, I wake up in the morning automatically with my heart racing---many times for unknown reasons. It is such a challenge to deal with. Although I refuse to increase the dosage of my antidepressant medication, I strive to change my thoughts because I do not want pharmacological therapy to shield my thoughts from me. I want to try to conquer this without medication I want to discover why I am still anxious, and most of it is due to fear. I am afraid of rejection, failure, among other things. Almost every minute I have some sort of worry. The SSRI I was prescribed one year ago completely cured me, but slowly it came back and failed remission. It is absolutely not as severe, and is manageable; however, I wish I did not have to deal with this (like many other users on here).

I want to see a therapist. I want help. But.... It will show up on my records and I fear employers will not want to hire me to do it. I am afraid insurance companies may discriminate me and not want to cover me due to classifying some forms of mental illness as 'pre-existing conditions'.

I am 21-years old. I have a 3.95 college GPA...But, my life is not fulfilled. Intellectually, I am fulfilled: learning is my passion. However, outside of academics I do not have other aspirations or endeavors I am involved in. I don't even know what to do with my time. I have thoughts of going to the gym, but that setting makes me anxious within itself. I am afraid of making mistakes, or other gym members judging me. I am not trying to classify this as a pity party, but it seriously seems as though my mind is working against me in terms of social interaction and going out to enjoy life.

I have thoughts of hopelessness, regret, failure, almost every single day. I have tried to cope on my own with self-help books, and other outside material, but it is not as effective as I wanted it have been.

I really want to see a therapist, but because I am on my parent's insurance plan they often discouraged it because how I may be discriminated against in the workforce. They do think I am happy and illness-free now, but I have lied to them. I do not want to reveal to them my struggles, I just don't know why I don't want to open up. Maybe I am ashamed of it. I think I want to show them I am 'strong', without revealing them my struggles and inner-demons.