I'll admit it, I had a good couple days. I got to see my fiance and had a date and I was able to see some friends, too. It had taken a lot of energy to do it all but I still did it. One of my friends and I were talking, I had told her that it was nice to see her succeeding more and that she wasn't suffering from SI anymore (she had told me about that the day before). She was quick to downplay her progress but she was able to smile, which made me smile.

Then she said, "It's good to see you doing better." My response came without my conscious' permission; one hell of a sarcastic chuckle blurted out. Then I kinda just stared into space thinking, "I've gotten a lot better at faking." Thing is, I've always been good at faking, she was just a friend I had let my guard down around. Well, it made me reflect on our current friendship. We always had a rule: Put down our facades when we're with each other and be honest. It's come to my attention that I haven't been keeping to that. She added, after my reaction, "Then again, maybe we can't see through some people's facades."

My mind hasn't stopped since she said this. On one hand, now I'm suspicious that she's doing the same thing as me. On the other hand I just can't help but think about the old days (which, admittedly aren't that old and were very dark for both of us); in the beginning she could see right through some of my bs and I her's. At some point, a few months ago, I put up my guard again after a couple years of trying to tear it down. When I was upset, I quit talking about it and just smoked a joint or drank a few beers. She sort of started doing the same thing except she was talking with her mom and became more open in therapy, as well. I was seeing her progress and I didn't want to interfere with it. So I kept things to myself, all the while I was falling apart.

Now, even my closest friend doesn't know what's going on with me. My other friend, who I tried to open up to while in a vulnerable state, shot me down (ended up fighting with me instead) and I haven't tried to talk to him about that stuff since. If I wasn't shut down before that, I definitely became as such since. I haven't been able to talk in therapy for two months and also haven't gone back to see my T in almost three weeks. I'm pretty sure I'm canceling that appointment and all future ones, though my mom is wanting me to see him one last time this week before I make that decision. I had shut down and lied to my pdoc last month when he asked about my SI, depression and psychotic features (well, I was more sarcastic than untruthful and he didn't seem to notice the sarcasm).

At this point, the most I'm talking and opening up is on here. Even then, I've started and cancelled thread after thread, response after response. I mean, what do I say anymore that people haven't already heard. I'm tired of whining, I'm tired of seeking help, I'm tired of letting people close and I'm just sick of talking. I've said it all before and nothing changed. In some ways, I've really gotten worse and I know that, but what do I do about this ****? Go IP? Locked up for a week or two, patted on the back for working the program then off I go to repeat; that's not going to help me. All they really do is medicate and I'm not going back on medication that my insurance can just take away at will, and medication that ultimately makes me physically/mentally feel like ****. I'm not doing it. I know I'm bad, I know I have a plan and I know that I'm barely holding myself together, but nothing helps.

So, what's the point in talking about it? What's the point of this novel of a post? I don't know, I'm rambling like I always do now, but I'm getting it out while my thoughts are working. Since most of the time it feels like my mind is stuttering.