saw dr. t yesterday

got there early and read a bit on the porch. ts wife showed up with baby t. I walked in to use the restroom and saw baby t playing with stuff on the floor. I had an overwhelming urge to squeel and pick him up which is weird for me as I am not usually affected over babies!!! didn't mention this to t.

t came out and asked if I want to walk. I said no it's too hot and bright. t said it's not that hot! ts wife walked by and said it is hot

we met in his office. we spent most of the session about a letter I got in the mail from the SSA. which led to a good discussion about sabotage (again.. been focusing on that lately)

t said I think..... do you want to hear what I think? I said yes. t said he thinks that the part of me that stays stuck and miserable wants me to die instead of facing what happened to me (traumas).he said that includes that part attempting to make my existence so miserable that I kill myself. he mentioned drugs as a tool in that

never really thought of it that way... that the part is avoiding dealing w trauma and would rather die. I've been aware of the masochistic drive within me to stay miserable. but never really understood WHY

t helped me to see that today and I kinda have a new outlook on it. t always emphaszes being gentle with myself and these parts.

got a hug at the end and t patted my back and gave some reassurances