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I don't know if you are truly proud of yourself or not - I am. You know why? Having a good day is not just luck. It takes decision making. You have to make decisions that allow you to be content or happy rather than sad or angry or depressed. Have you given yourself credit for that? If not - you need to - now. Then celebrate. Celebrate what? Your victory. Victory of what? Of conquering depression for TWO days, not just One - but TWO!!!
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I'm afraid it isn't much of a victory. More like a selfish break from solitude and the mindset of something even more "selfish", at least what society deems as such.
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YOU smiled?! That is so awesome!!! I never thought I would see you say that. Wow - that makes me soo happy, you just don't know!!
*hugs*
You have come so far since last we spoke
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I agree I've come far but not forward, or maybe even backward, just different. Though I'll admit, genuinely smiling felt like a victory.
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If it has been as long between times for her as for me talking to you - I can understand.. It is not all play acting. You just don't see it bc you live with it day in n day out
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I don't believe it's been as long. You could be right, I could just be too wrapped up in it all to see progress, but I really do feel like I'm a shell most of the time, a shell feigning happiness.
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Why not be honest with her now?
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It's come to my attention that I haven't been keeping to that. She added, after my reaction, "Then again, maybe we can't see through some people's facades."
My mind hasn't stopped since she said this.
She probably wants your honesty again.
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She probably does, but how can I? She's content-ish and moving forward. She's worked for it, clawed for it and almost died getting here. What kind of monster would I be to ruin that for her by making her worry about me? I know I'm not a good person but I'm trying to make up for that, somehow.
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You miss the honesty too - why not be honest again?
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I can't bring her down. I'm willing to sacrifice us talking if it means she can achieve happiness. Without me around as much, everyone's seen her progress, stepping aside is the least I can do.
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Not accusing here .. asking you to step back and reevaluate - could that have been jealousy that she was healing faster than you? Could that be part of what holds you back now? The thought that "if I couldn't do it as fast as she could n I did everything just like her - maybe I can't do it at all"?
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I'll be the first to admit that I am jealous. We became friends long after I began my search to get better. I took her to her first therapy appointment. I took her to IP after her attempt. I watched her sink just as low, or maybe even lower than myself. In less time than me, by far, she's found contentment. I'm proud of her and I'm relieved she's gotten to this point, but I always knew she'd be the one to make it. I was jealous from the beginning because of that. I feel so guilty for it. I shouldn't feel that way towards a friend who's close enough to be family. It's wrong.
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Again - this sounds like you are yearning for someone to hear the truth. I believe your friend wants to. Your therapist probably does too. Which do you feel more comfortable with? Or would it be good to get advice n support from both?
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I can't tell my friend, I don't want her to hear anymore. If I could erase what she already knows, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And my T, he doesn't get it past a certain point. These thoughts of mine, he can't even make sense of. When I was trying to explain, he said something that got under my skin, I drew the line after that. To be honest, I just shut down on him afterwards.... Like I always seem to do with everyone.
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The point is releasing tension that has been stored. The more you release it - the easier it will be to find the way "back to health".
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Some evil deeds should never be released. Sometimes it's best to let the evil follow into the grave. I don't deserve release.
Everything you said, it means something to me, I forget how much we used to help each other. Thank you for being here again.