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I'm afraid it isn't much of a victory. More li a selfish break from solitude and the mindset of something even more "selfish", at least what society deems as such.[QUOTE/]
This feels like arguing over semantics to me - and I refuse to do that. I am proud of you. You are in no way selfish. You have overcome a lot. Be proud of that. Celebrate that if nothing else. You're a warrior. ❤
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I agree I've come far but not forward, or maybe even backward, just different. Though I'll admit, genuinely smiling felt like a victory.
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Because smiling WAS and IS a victory - something you have not done since I have known you *hugs* I think your friend recognized that genuineness in you - that genuine happiness .. no matter how fleeting, it was there! You ARE moving forward - there is no other which way you can move to feel any measure of happiness *hugs*
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I don't believe it's been as long. You could be right, I could just be too wrapped up in it all to see progress, but I really do feel like I'm a shell most of the time, a shell feigning happiness.
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I was like that at one time too - still have passing moments like that from time to time, I found a way of taking care of myself bc I realized the doctors just weren't. I don't know if they didn't care or didn't know how or weren't allowed to use what they knew I needed - but they were not helping. So .. I took the advice I knew helped at all from them, and went off on my own researching things out. There are "safe" natural things you can do for depression - bc it turns out our brains have 4 chemicals that cause "happiness" in us. So - if you are "low" in any of them, you will feel low. Here is a site that gives some info on that along with a few examples of things you can do to boost each thing.
http://www.indiatimes.com/health/hea...em-242282.html
There are also natural things you can do but are recommended to do under the care of a holistic doctor - like diet changes, vitamins and supplements, essential oils, etc
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She probably does, but how can I? She's content-ish and moving forward. She's worked for it, clawed for it and almost died getting here. What kind of monster would I be to ruin that for her by making her worry about me? I know I'm not a good person but I'm trying to make up for that, somehow.
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By not being open n honest with her like you used to, she will feel like she lost a good friend. Losing a friend hurts - losing a good friend is similar to a death. She may end up blaming herself for being better. You can be honest with her simply bc she cares - and so do you. ❤
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I can't bring her down. I'm willing to sacrifice us talking if it means she can achieve happiness. Without me around as much, everyone's seen her progress, stepping aside is the least I can do.
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Sacrificing your friendship not only means sacrificing her support for you - but your support for her too. Just bc she is happy now doesn't mean she will never hit another snag. I know I do - and when I do, there is nobody to turn to. That's rough. Will she have anyone? Will you? The two of you were good together. You did not feed off each other's negativity then - why would you now? Why drop a good support system?
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I'll be the first to admit that I am jealous. We became friends long after I began my search to get better. I took her to her first therapy appointment. I took her to IP after her attempt. I watched her sink just as low, or maybe even lower than myself. In less time than me, by far, she's found contentment. I'm proud of her and I'm relieved she's gotten to this point, but I always knew she'd be the one to make it. I was jealous from the beginning because of that. I feel so guilty for it. I shouldn't feel that way towards a friend who's close enough to be family. It's wrong.
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It's actually quite natural. You have worked hard. You want to be in that same place. Problem is - mental health is not a "one size fits all" - bc we are all unique. That's why you need to find what works for you n stop waiting on others to either find "the magic words" or the "magic pill" or the "magic method". Any of it takes work - but I think you have been working. I sincerely think holistic meds would be better for you - but that is for you to decide. ❤
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I can't tell my friend, I don't want her to hear anymore. If I could erase what she already knows, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And my T, he doesn't get it past a certain point. These thoughts of mine, he can't even make sense of. When I was trying to explain, he said something that got under my skin, I drew the line after that. To be honest, I just shut down on him afterwards.... Like I always seem to do with everyone.
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I never trusted my T's after a certain point either, so I understand. You can open up to your friend - if you WANT to ...
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Some evil deeds should never be released. Sometimes it's best to let the evil follow into the grave. I don't deserve release.[
Everything you said, it means something to me, I forget how much we used to help each other. Thank you for being here again.
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Honestly not going to argue with you over evil deeds or not - that's pointless. You obviously feel guilt. It's those things that make us feel the guiltiest that need exposed the most. ❤
YOU have helped me more than you can probably ever realize. You are part of how I hot to the place I am in today. That means you are a part of at least 2 ppl healing. If you can help ppl heal - you have the strength within you .. you just have to let go of the fear of fighting YOUR demons.