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Originally Posted by guilloche
To those who mentioned feeling "too smart for therapy" - I've felt that too (and it's a really, really hard thing to talk about, because it *does* feel obnoxious to say). I've actually mentioned it to this T... not in those words, but I've mentioned being in the (ugh) "gifted program" growing up, and that there seems to be very little research on the types of things that might come along with being in that group. I think there's something there.. but the conversation didn't really go anywhere. I've actually got a book that I've been meaning to read, but haven't gotten to it yet...
Unfortunately, it's not something that most Ts seems to learn about, or study, or that anyone really talks about. And, I don't know if it even plays in to what this research was looking at.
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Count me in... I once had a cbt therapist who always wanted me to get my IQ tested. I never did, never thought that it would do me any good with regard to my emotional problems.. I felt more like a study object but not like a human being... Still, once in a while she did have some interesting insights.
Her theory was, that little me - most probably what would be called a "gifted child" nowadays - had trouble processing her emotions all along, right from the start. But being too smart for my own good, I started compensating through my cognitive abilities. Not just plain old intellectualizing, but trying to 'understand' emotions through my intellect. I really used to try to find "rules" (or algorithms) with regard to others' emotional behaviour that would be puzzleing to me, and that I didn't get at all. But I was good at finding patterns, thus realizing if the person says abc, me saying xyz might be an appropriate response. Trouble is: There is no rule without exception/s. And also: Those are pseudo-emotional responses. Ultimately they're fake. I guess I got pretty sophisticated in creating those pseudo-emotions, but basically, it's me trying to guess what is expected of me, and not me living in congruence with my innermost self. But I lived several decades without ever realizing that there might be a difference between those two...
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I think for me, part of what's so hard is that my sense of myself and my emotions feels almost discontinuous... I mentioned this to her. I've read a little bit about "ego states" and that makes sense to me... that I just fall into this puddle of emotion for a short period of time (i.e. despair, crying, misery) and then when it's done, it's almost unreal and not connected to my current experience. It makes it hard to talk about, b/c it doesn't feel real... it feels like I'm just making something up, I guess. It's weird.
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I know this 'feeling' of disconnection. Once the moment has passed, the emotion feels so terribly unreal, and it is impossible to get back into that state of mind, no matter whether it's positive or negative... Current T puts it down to some form of mild dissociation, that's always there, almost like an undercurrent... Which the article talked about as well.
What a lot of Ts just don't get: It's not a choice. It's not a choice to stay disconnected. I just cannot help it. The rupture with ex-T came about because she kept insisting that I should 'own' my anger. WTF ? I didn't even know what anger she was talking about? And she kept implying that I just refuse to talk about it, out of defiance. And I kept searching myself, whether she might be right, but I simply couldn't get hold of the anger. Which I rationally know *must* be there, definitely. But I cannot feel it, at all. So in the end I just couldn't take that any longer...
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How do you like your T's way of interacting with you? I think that part of the problem (this time!) is that my T can be very... eager. Jumping in, ready to say something! I end up feeling talked over (but we're working on that). But, it still feels like... we're not on the same page. Maybe that's the crux of it - even if she changes how she interacts, it still feels like her questions aren't really *helpful*. They don't feel like they lead me towards any great insights. I don't know, maybe I'm judging her too hard here? But there's something... argh!
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I think my current T and I are still in the getting to know each other-stage. But I like her openness. Her willingness to reflect herself and her perceptions and to share those. It feels like 6 months with her have shifted more inside of me, than 6 years with all the rest of my Ts. She has got this eagerness, that you talk about. And yes, sometimes she'd interrupt. Or sidetrack. But she's pretty good at catching herself when she's doing it...
When I read this article I kept wondering whether this is because in the T's narrative the conversations with those clients were perceived as invigorating, and exceptionally stimulating etc... So when I feel like this in a conversation (with friends etc) I'd get so excited about my ideas, that I sometimes cannot wait for the others to finish their sentence... At the same time we have talked a lot about my tendency to mirror, or to become an emotional chameleon to whatever person I'm interacting with. So I guess in backpaddling, when she would love to chip in her thoughts, she is trying to give me the space to really explore what I am feeling. Which is a challenge, for sure. Both for me and for T. Because when I'm in that space, things will get tedious. Slow. Tiring. It's hard work in the truest sense... Really hard work. Because trying to hold a connection to my emotions that was never to be, is like exercising some muscles that you never really used much... And I know it is a challenge for my T as well, since she feels the pull towards my functioning persona as well... So it's easy to drift back on that level, if we're not both keeping watch in that regard....
I guess, the thing that makes it "bearable" for me right now is communication, and meta-communication (ie communication about our communication). Which really helps her to understand how I perceive things, and my world, and myself in this world. And how I perceive her.
Thanks again guilloche for sharing this article and sharing your thoughts in that regard.
all the best, c_r