Hello everyone. It's been a while. I joined you roughly 5 years ago now and haven't experienced any "major" mental health issues in roughly 3-1/2 years. I even convinced myself that last time was just a phase, that maybe I was going through some hormonal challenges that come with reaching adulthood. Looking back through my old posts even makes me cringe a bit... I've come a long way since then but I feel like I'm right back where I was.

It started about two months ago, there were a few challenges that happened recently, but something I've faced previously (about 2 years ago) without any major problems. I recently made some lateral job changes and moved to a new house, but nothing negative besides some money strains, but that's normal for most adults these days. I find myself constantly worrying about everything, more than normal. Just like my previous episode 4-7 years ago, I have been having a very difficult time trying to find enjoyment in things. Again, I have a hard time imagining a happy, healthy future. And again, I've lost control of coping mechanisms I've since learned to reduce (alcohol) or eliminate (SI).

All I can think about now is how I'm going nowhere, I have nothing to look forward to, and that I'm going to lose everything. I can't concentrate at work and my performance has dropped, I've gotten behind on schoolwork and my grades are starting to show it, and I can't even imagine what kind of strain I've put on my boyfriend.

I'm just tired of this. I thought it was a bad dream. I feel like I've lost it all, but at the same time, I'm watching myself sabotage everything that "normal" me worked for.

I don't have time to get help, but at the same time, if I don't, I will run out of time. I guess I just wanted someone to know.