TRIGGER WARNING: (which is put in the trigger)










Oh man, therapy today. I had emailed her on Friday that I had wanted to cancel because I was afraid that all of my dark thoughts that I would bring to her would want her to hospitalize me,a nd I was scared. She asked me if I had scared myself?

I said yeah, a little. It was such an awful week, with the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, and the constant loop in my head of last year at the rally. I told her how I went a little over board on the cutting. Not in terms of how deep, but much more than usual in the same area, making it very difficult to hide. I told her I was glad today was cold.

She said it was one thing to think about suicide, but another altogether to be afraid you might actually go through with it. She asked me what percentage of me felt like doing it, versus the percentage that wanted things to change for the better. I told her it depended on the moment, and she asked about the current moment.

I told her it was 60% wanting to do it, 40% not. She said the past 6 months I've been on a decline, without any shift. Weight loss, and just my mood going lower and lower. She spoke with my psychiatrist last week, and she agreed as well. She also said that I need to decide if I want to make changes to help myself.

I told her that I think the only way I will be able to get myself out of this is if I do something drastic: either SU or I had been thinking of this recovery center we have in town. It is a crisis stabilization place with only 10 beds, and you can stay anywhere from a few days up to two weeks. I told her the idea terrified me.

Who would feed my cats? What on EARTH would I do about work? I don't like being around people I don't know, or anywhere that isn't my bed or couch. Not to mention the whole eating thing. We haven't gotten into that part much, but I did admit my weight loss has been more intentional than just depression and lack of energy.

She said she would try and visit the place this week, since she would like to get a feel for it herself if I was considering it, and speak with some people to get an idea of what it would be like. My job is to just keep thinking about it, and her job is to help me figure out what to do about work. She really is wonderful.

I like that she just jumps right in there with really difficult topics, and isn't afraid to ask me hard questions. She knows I won't just volunteer this stuff on my own.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like i am not "allowed" or deserve to go to this place because I still can go to work. It is difficult, and the past week or so has been hard, but I can do it, and do a reasonably good job. So, I am fine, right?