Quote:
Originally Posted by QuixiHubris
Thank you for your perspective on this! I agree with your points, but have alarm bells going off regarding the bad childhood thing. I was truly privileged, and treated well, and feel profoundly guilty for displaying behavior that might make people think I'd had an abusive (or even just bad) childhood. Despite having so much support and kindness, I'm still screwed up, which means this is all internal stuff, all my fault, and should have been under my control! Like, I can't say, "Mother didn't think I was good enough, so now I'm emotionally stunted" or something.
I've had a couple people I know in the real world ask if I was abused, but I wasn't. They point out I have a lot of traits of emotional abuse, but I feel like a crappy person because I know my behavior is completely self-generated. There's no reason that I'm like this, other then I'm maybe just a bad person, haha.
Pardon the rambling...
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If it isn't a bad childhood, no,
it still isn't your fault. Your mood isn't in your control nor are the events that trigger some kind of mood. It is not your fault that you are suffering from depression. This is the internet, I do not have a doctoral degree in medicine or psychology, Hence the misunderstanding.
I believe the only thing that you can control right now is blaming yourself. Just stop it. Write your negative thoughts on a piece of paper and shared it. Keep a journal and write your experiences on it. Listen to some soothing music. Watch a movie. Try to write a novel. Do anything that keeps you engaged and away from guilty thoughts.
I am schizophrenic and I ramble too. It's not that I think it's my fault. It's your SELF-CONTROLLABLE (notice the adverb 'able') actions that define you the most. Again please do not be guilty.