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Originally Posted by Arbie
Thanks for that reminder. That is how I've been trying to approach it when he talks about someone with a mental illness, or someone who is homeless. In this case, he thinks he's merely using shorter, simpler words. If we're talking about our cat, for example, we would say "cat" rather than "feline household companion," because there is nothing wrong with being a cat. Likewise, "homeless person" is four syllables, while "bum" is only one. As he sees it, those are just different ways to say the same thing, so what does it matter?
One thing he says often is, "I won't bow to being politically correct." And that's frustrating to me because what he calls "being politically correct" I see as being polite and respectful. I do sympathize with him on how it seems the rules keep changing, though. He has trouble keeping up with what is still considered polite, and what has become a slur. The connotations of language is a complicated matter.
So if he comes home and tells me about something this "crazy drunk" did today, I'll rephrase it and repeat it back to him. "So the guy was yelling and cussing at people that weren't actually there, and then he passed out and peed on the seat." Here I'm describing behavior but not putting any labels on the man himself, and I'm hoping it serves as an example.
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I think this is a good plan. I imagine it must be doubly difficult because he's your husband. But I would just continue to ask questions like, can you tell me why being black or gay or whatever was relevant? I wouldn't talk to him about his racism, I would just phrase the question in terms of, why is that what you are seeing?
Mentioning skin color or hair color or eye color (notice I say color versus race) when you are describing someone to provide a description is relevant. So if I'm describing someone that you need to look for in a crowd because we are meeting them, then it is relevant to know what they look like. When it is not relevant, it's being used in a latent racist way to portray the person in a negative light. Because YES even in today's society being black or gay or "other" is still viewed, in large part, negatively. I know people will disagree with that, just as they disagree white privilege, but the studies exist and, also, I live in the South, and I can tell you I see it ALL the time. (And I observe from a place of being white, so if I notice it and it's not even happening to me...)
So if your husband says "this black person came in today..." Why did you need to know they were black? Because in his mind he prescribes them as "other" at the very least. You know, it's just like when people mention the age of a person when it has no relevance. "This old man came in today..." Okay, is his age relevant to the story? Why is it relevant?
I'm with you, I see the prejudice in his words. The best you can do is continue to question it. Try not to be confrontational about it. As a writer, people often tell me stories IRL and some information is superfluous. To me it's confusing because I'm used to writing a story or a proposal and each bit of information is integral to understanding the situation. So I often ask what a detail or component of the story has to do with the whole thing, and I do it in a polite way so as to show that I'm trying to understand. I have found this often alerts the person to a process in their own thinking.
Seesaw