I think banalities do serve useful purposes, or indeed they wouldn't exist.. Recently, I heard someone on TV speak of keeping the family of Anthony Bourdain in their "thoughts and prayers." That struck me as totally appropriate. It would be emotionally exhausting to have to compose some unique expression of concern for every instance of sorrowful loss that we encounter. There are times when an expression of condolence is called for even from someone who has no personal connection to the parties directly involved - like from the broadcaster I just mentioned. We need to have some ready-made expressions of caring that we can employ in these circumstances. I see nothing wrong with that.

If one has a flare for creative language and can craft something new new each time a message of sympathy is called for, that's fine. It can be a little risky. When sending sympathy cards to extended family, I've tried to tailor my written message specifically to the recipient. After sending it, I've sometimes had misgivings about what seemed like a bright idea in the moment that later rang a little "off." When you deviate from the "tried and true," you may strike a note you didn't intend. It's happened to me. Standard expressions, though banal, have a track record of being "safe."

Thoughts and prayers may be the full extent of what I can realistically offer when my concern is for a co-worker I run into occasionally in the work space. For people closer to us we rightfully try to be more proactive. I was at my sister's house when there was a death in the family who lived next door to her. A couple lived there and the husband died. My sister told my brother-in-law to go over and mow the neighbors lawn, which was overgrown. She told her less than eager husband, "It would be the right thing to do." So my sister is not clueless. I was proud of her for even thinking to take the initiative to be helpful in that way. Visitors would be coming to the neighbors house, and helping to make the home look neat was an excellent gesture. This was not a neighbor she was close friends with. She didn't go to the funeral. However, she found an opportunity to be supportive by seeing a specific need and taking care of it. That was a perfect gesture of caring.

"Let me know if you need anything." comes across as pretty trite when she knows darn good and well that I'll be traveling 2000 miles to get to the funeral. I'll be away from my own home and dependent on the hospitality of whoever offers or I'll need to get a motel room. If she had even said that I could stay with her, her message would have had some substance. The more I think about it, the more I see this text message as bereft of any real attempt to be kind or caring. I just feel like a fool for not knowing I was thought this little of.

I'm not close with my boyfriend's family. I feel this is their affair. I have only a half-hearted interest in traveling 2000 miles to attend this funeral. I'm hurt and I feel dejected. I don't know how I'm going to muster up the wherewithal to even make the trip.

This sister has always derided my problem with depression. She says to me, "You just dwell on things too much." I guess I'm doing that now.