Today I told T about a dream I had in which my husband and I came in for couples counseling and he shook my husband's hand while I stood by and watched. I told him how mad I was in the dream because I couldn't believe that after all this time he would shake my husband's hand, but not mine. This led into a big discussion about erotic transference in which I told him since he knows that sometimes I want to %#@&#! him, I feel this makes me toxic to him and he will be afraid of me. I said that I picture him moving his chair far, far away from me until he is in the next offfice. I joked, "You even moved your office far away."

He said, "Yes, but I took you with me."

He said part of the transference comes from the understanding and appreciation. I said, "Well, I don't go around telling everyone that understands and appreciates me that I wanna %#@&#! them." Then we both cracked up and he said he could just imagine my team meetings at my internship. Then he said that obviously there is a level of intimacy in our relationship that pushes me more towards feeling the way I do.

At the end of the session, I got up to leave and he said, "Hey-- stick your hand out." So I did and he took my hand and shook it. He said, "Just in case.... didn't want you to ever think I would be afraid."

By the time I left his office, the ice storm had gotten bad. A normal half hour drive home turned into a two and a half hour ride. There were so many accidents along the way. My phone rang and I ignored it. Then I checked the message and it was from T-- "I just want to make sure you are home okay. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten out and I am very concerned. Please call me back when you get this. I will try back later."

When I got home, he called again, "And at the very exact time I said to him, "I'm not dead!" he said "you're alive!" Hahahahaha. Then I wanted to know if he was home okay but I felt weird asking so I go, "Um, are you at your home base?" And he laughed, knowing exactly how I felt and what I meant, and he said, "Don't worry. I am fine."



On Saturday, I am going to offer him my hand.