Well, we had another "incident" the other day. I wasn't listening to something important he was saying, then he shut down for another day.

I finally confronted him about it, and he explained I haven't been a good listener to his personal issues, and we had a long conversation about communication. I learned a bit about his resistance/hesitation to bring up issues (he has trouble finding the right words or doesn't feel comfortable saying them). I tried my best to explain that I understood. My therapist later that week told me that men tend to have fewer words in their emotional vocabulary, so that made sense. However, when I told him how much him being silent hurt me, he didn't make any reassuring statements that he would try to stop doing so. Out of the almost 2 years we've been dating, these silent episodes have only happened about... 4-5 times? Maybe more? Not every week, though.

I'm scared, though. I think that moment may have... broke me? I keep defining the relationship by these incidences, by the times he treats me the worst. The thought of "what if he's not right for me?" has been bouncing around my brain all week, and it's killing me. My BF has been doing better; last week was a rough week for him and I helped talk through a lot of stuff with him. He's done the same for me on my bad days, so there's no resentment there.

Maybe it's just because of my lifestyle/schedule... I wake up before he does (which is my only true alone time that I ever get anymore where there's no one else in the room but me), go to work for 8 hours, and come back... since I'm on fixed income, we don't go out very often, we hardly go on dates. I also think, on the flip side, that more alone time would help me, actually. I need complete alone time every once in a while, and I hardly get enjoyable alone time (since it's usually before work, I feel rushed).

I also have been trying without much success to live mindfully. I was trying to listen to music mindfully this morning, but I felt compelled to post this instead. I'm no longer mindful of our relationship, either. I can't see day-to-day moments as "fun" anymore.

I still love him... but it doesn't feel like it, not right now. I'm scared. To be honest, a small part of me wants to be free and not be tied to anyone. I'm still so young and I love exploring all by myself. However, this man has given up so much to be with me, we have so many common interests, we get along great, we're even getting better at this whole relationship thing by communicating more, but my anxiety prevents me from enjoying our relationship to its fullest. I know the lovey-dovey, honeymoon feeling fluctuates, but it's been a while since I've felt that, and I'm scared it won't come back. I'm so depressed that I can't get back to where I used to be. I've let this relationship anxiety linger for so long that I may have permanently distorted it, and if we break up, it really will be my fault because I couldn't change how I think.

Maybe I just need to give it time, too. I just recently re-started CBT, meditation, and am trying supplements to help my anxiety. I really feel like I should talk to him, but I'm not sure what to say...

Edit: I would also like to add that my therapist and I recently "confirmed" that I might have some type of attention deficiency, most like ADD-inattentive. I've wondered if I've had for a few years now, but I didn't think I presented with all the classic symptoms. I now realize it has made it excruciatingly difficult to complete tasks such as writing essays, remembering details, and paying attention to conversations. It has probably affected my ability to stick to self-care routines such as CBT and journal entries! Sigh...