Dnester, these are serious issues that you should deal with directly in therapy. The time to do this is NOW. You will start to feel so much better the sooner you get this all out to your therapist. There is no need to feel embarrassed about any of this. We are exposed to so much crap when we're young that so greatly influences us in ways we cannot imagine. It's not your fault. But you need to get working on these issues today.

Please take a lot of comfort in the fact that you have not yet acted out on these impulses yet. That is HUGE. You have these thoughts and whatever, yes. But you also have self control. Don't discount that at all. You now can use that as a source of strength going forward.