I relate so much to this. The moment I'm alone, I just feel like damaged goods, a defect and more than anything I feel weak. I can feel like this when I'm with friends (like when we're about to do something and I have to back out because it's just too triggering), too. When I'm with people though, and making them laugh or talking about the universe etc., I feel a little less alone and I'm distracted from the chaos in my head. Lately, I've been forcing distance from everyone, probably because of depression, but also because I hate that feeling once I'm alone again.

I wish you had friends who understood better. It took me a very long time to find them myself. Once I did, it helped tremendously. Just know that you deserve people who won't just leave, who will stand by you when you're hurting and that you're not damaged. You're different from how you were before the trauma, but there's nothing, nothing wrong with that. You are you, and that should be enough.