Why does he have to push me past my limits when there is nothing constructive I can do about it? I don't even care about reasons not to right now. I haven't cut in pretty close to a year. I really want to tonight, but I'm not sure I can find my knife. It's buried in a drawer somewhere and it's dark in here. Maybe I'll have to find something else. Sorry - I hate to be a bad influence.

How can he actually insist that if I set limits about what I can't do right now, and if I can't guarantee the future that I'm forcing him to give up everything that he is or cares about? I can't do what I can't do. I keep trying to anyway, and it always backfires and then it's that much harder ever to try again, and more damaging when I still can't. Sorry this is so cryptic. It's the best I can do right now.

I wish it weren't too dark and cold to go outside and get some exercise. I am so tired, and don't feel like sleeping. I was starting to feel better for a little while, but it only lasts while the sun is out. And it's supposed to snow again tomorrow. Starting to hate snow.