Seeing my "T" today...except he hasn't been acting like a T in months. And in my gut, I know that I have to tell him that he can't be my T anymore and that today is our last session.

Two weeks ago, I texted him and told him I was in crisis. I trusted him with that information, like he told me I need to do if we were going to repair our rupture. I hadn't been trusting him because the last time I did, he didn't respond at all and that hurt me a lot. His response this time was that he was still here, that he still wanted and was able to be both my T and my friend and that he would try to be there for me as best he could that day. And then...I barely heard from him for almost a week. He didn't check in, didn't ask how I was doing, didn't tell me he was really busy but he was thinking about me. And when I asked him if he was OK after almost a week had gone by and I had heard next to nothing from him, because I was trying to shift my mindset to things not being about me - again like he told me to, he said he was the best he'd been in a long time and that he hoped I was doing well. And then got mad at me and told me that I always make more of things than they really are when I told him I was hurt that once again I tried to trust him to tell him I was very not OK and he said he would be there and was not.

I have to fire him. Not because I don't trust him anymore...but because I am afraid that he will say nice things today and I will trust him and he will hurt me again...and again...and again...and again. I have to fire him because I want him to say nice things and make me believe in him again. Make me believe that he cares and that I matter. Make me believe that he's there for me like he used to be. Make me believe there's hope.

There is no hope. What we had is dead. The concept of "us" was a lie. A very painful lie that just undid all the years of work we did together. And my gut says I need to make it so he can never hurt me like this again.