The insurance beneficiary is something I think I will alter. I have another sister. But the sister who is the current beneficiary is more reliable. While I haven't said much here about her virtues, she does have them. I believe she would handle my affairs in the way that I ask her to. Plus I might die owing her money. If I needed financial help toward the end of my life, she would help me. The policy is big enough to compensate her for going to a fair amount of trouble on my behalf - like traveling a long way.

My other sister, who does call me, is insulted that she is not a beneficiary, but she kind of gets that she would not have the means to assist me as much. When you have no children, you have to plan for who will do what children normally do. Still, I could have two beneficiaries, and I probably will add the other sister. I also feel indebted to the sister currently on the policy because she has stood ready for many years to be the party responsible for me and my affairs. Sister # 2 has a drinking habit that has clouded her judgement at times. I wish I were really close to one of my nieces or nephews, but living at such a distance has undermined that.

I'ld like someone to visit me or send cards to the nursing home where I end up. People are more willing to take an interest when they've been given something - even a few thousand dollars. So I would leave the policy to family rather than to any charity. I want what I have to benefit me.

What hurts me is the thought that, if I had more to leave, I'ld be shown more kindness. But that is human nature and it's foolish to resent people being human. I have to ask myself what I ever did for my relatives.

This sister does have an aversion to hearing about sickness and sorrow. However, she is perfectly capable of overcoming that, if there's sufficient pay-off. She has gotten involved with other relatives on her husband's side and on ours . . . when she had her "eyes on a prize." I hate believing that about her. I just hate it.

Thank you all. I get to feeling so alone. It causes me to have awful thoughts.