My anger toward my sister truly is about my relationship with her. It's not a projection of anything else. There's been years of things not being so good between us. I know she doesn't very much value having a connection to me. That's been evident for a long while. I just kept thinking that coolness would pass. But now I see it never will. I grieve that on top of what else I have to mourn. I really didn't know she thought this poorly of me. There's some kind of a grudge there. It will never go away. I am sad for this. Eventually it won't seem so bad.

One way of consoling myself has been to think about being with my sisters after the funeral. Haven't seen them in over 4 years, due to can't leave my guy and him not well enough to travel. I was with them both 4 years ago. It was great. I looked forward to that again. I thought of the kinds of things I would talk with each of them about. I pictured being in each of their homes and how nice they would be. She still would probably invite me, I guess. On the surface, she will probably make the usual offers one makes.

As for anger - sure my guy and I get irritated with each other. And we get over it. And we fuss at each other the next day . . . and the next. And we get over it. I do know who and what I feel bad about.

Right now I'm irritated about dealing with my guy's family who think I am taking him to treatments that are making him sicker. It makes me short tempered at times with him. I recognize that and make up with him.

I wish I had the maturity to just act as my sister wants me to. I should thank her for her "texted" message of support. Then I should occasionally text her "updates" as she requested. I should make believe this is all normal. I can't.