Thanks everyone!

Stafishing - oh wow. That's really cool that you had such an intense sense from the start that your current therapist would be helpful! And, what great luck in finding him! It's funny, I had a feeling about my last therapist - not exactly like yours - but I had a moment early on where I felt this weird sense of resignation/acceptance where I went from trying to see if we were a good fit and I should continue, to this feeling of: "OK, so I guess I have a therapist! I'm officially in therapy!" LOL. Actually, lots of little signs/feelings that made me think he was going to be the person I'd stick with... so I'm still a bit sad about that one.

I really, really wish it weren't so incredibly hard to find somebody who is a good match.

Maybe this T will end up being that person though. Maybe. She's willing to read books with me and discuss, and I actually brought in a book about psychoanalysis that has a LOT of interesting things that I relate to, and she was so excited - told me she has it (and pulled it off her bookshelf) and that it's actually a favorite of hers. So, maybe we'll get there.

I love what you wrote about how previous therapists took your resistance personally, but your current therapist is working with you to figure out where it comes from and only brings it up when it's therapeutically significant. That sounds... so professional, and yet so hard to find! You're right, that IS their job. Yet so few seem to be able to manage that (which again, gets back to therapists needing to do their own work, keep a certain level of "objectivity", and work with the counter-transference, rather than getting sucked in and personalizing it.) It's still crazy to me that my first T thought I didn't like him... I didn't feel that at all... I was *scared*, I was practically cowering behind a pillow, and he made it about him. *Argh*.

Thanks for sharing your story!

Feileacan - I do feel like you're on to something, with people who are "just trained in psychodynamic" not having their stuff together. Thanks for mentioning the referrals from the local psychoanalytic institute. I've looked in to that, and will keep it in mind. I'm not quite ready to bail yet on my current T, since she IS working hard to try to figure this out (and is the first one to really try to engage with me about this). Thanks!

Tomatenoir - Very nice! I hate the ads like you describe (i.e. "we all feel sad at times") too. But, I think for me it's because they all sound the same... like all the therapists just copied their descriptions from each other . I am not impressed with that.

I'm really glad that he got back in touch with you and had a slot open up! What a stroke of luck, right? Very cool.

The "putting your brain away" - I can't even imagine. But, I also feel like I *need* a good understanding of things... how things work, how my brain is set up, what the patterns are. I don't know though, I can see how that could be seen as a defense. I do think it would be nice to feel safe/comfortable enough to really just feel like yourself in therapy... like I said, I've got one person in my life who does that for me, and it amazes me how hard it is to find. I think the key with my friend is that he's just SO incredibly non-judgmental and accepting of whatever crazy thing I bring to him, that it's made it much much easier to feel like I can just be me, and not worry about his reactions.

I don't get why this seems natural to my friend, but so incredibly hard for therapists to do! You'd think it would be therapy 101?

Your therapist sounds awesome though, like an intelligent, competent professional that is able to provide some sense of... stability? Calmness? It sounds great! Thanks.

Cinnamon_Roll - OMG, I couldn't do the blank slate. I think though, for some people, even in psychoanalysis it's not recommended? (Something I saw in the book I'm reading, but I don't remember the details now). My current T tried to imitate a psychoanalytic approach when we started talking about, and refused to say anything to me... just remained calm, tried to look interested and supportive, and nodded a bunch. And it freaked me out. Ugh, I hated it. So, I definitely would not want that and totally understand your state of panic!

Can I ask, what do you mean about psychoanalysis being fairly hierarchical? I haven't experienced it... do you mean that the T is definitely seen as "the expert", so that the client's perception of what's going on might be invalidated? (IE "The T knows best!")

I'm so sorry about ex-T. But very glad that you did eventually get away!

Ooh! And thanks, you've given me some more to think about. I don't think I'm expressing the emotions well, but I think it may be something like, I wasn't allowed to express emotions (particularly negative ones) growing up. There wasn't room for that, and it wasn't accepted in my family. So, I've learned to not show them... I've touched on this with her before, telling her how the first time I tried to leave ex-T, I was *so* sad... I sobbed about it at home, and when I went to my appointment and tried to tell him... I could barely talk, because I was trying to not cry. And, I succeeded in not crying. I don't know if he could tell (he didn't mention it), but on the inside, I was such a mess! And she wanted to know why I didn't tell him any of that!

Anyway, I think there's something there.. it's not quite fully formed in my head, but it's a good point. Thanks for bringing it up! (Although part of me thinks that this gets back to comfort/safety! Like - I'm still not comfortable enough to actually get "in" to my emotions with her. I don't know what I need to get there though - it feels like a very right brain, unconscious type of thing!)

And, thanks, that's a good point about discussing perceptions with her. I appreciate it!